Disassemblia

I disassembled my body
and created a confessor
a parent in my head
Told her things
I weren’t ready to share with the world yet
Held her hand, She took mine
as ether poured light into me
She was the practice dummy I bore my soul to
A subreddit dedicated to the unburrowing of my sins
Her ears were always pressed to my shriveled mouth
as teeth clinked to wail out despair
Stood there in silence
and allowed her to love me as I yearned to be loved
and failed

Why do you look like my mother?
Why do you sound like her
feel like her
Resemble her in every way but tangible
Why were you the only person I called out to when everybody else left at the anti-cinematics of my nightmare?
I want you
to be there for me
I’ve always needed you
Always looked up to you
Always caged your willingness to listen and ached for your acceptance that was quite not
possible in real life
My blood is poison and still you breathe
all your values and virtues and versions of your gods into me
and cried beside my dying body as I lay swept of this malarius reality
In every imagined moment, you were the last one to leave
and I the first to depart

I’m sorry
I couldn’t remember your name
Who are you? And am I really who you say I am?