The Freelancer’s Midnight Prayer

Posted on: Thursday, January 26th, 2017

Previously The Freelancer’s Mantra

What one chants when times are frustrating
and income is slow and life is challenging
When success is in reach and payday is near
but maybe your optimism’s fooling you,
’cause this already happened before.

Basic everyday stuff for the Barely Making It.

Part 1: Centering
(Yourself With A Badass Mix
Before Opening Your Work Folder on XP
because you refuse to update)

Om bhur bhuvaht sivan
Tat savitur Australia
Bhargo devasya-burbia
Dhiyo youth na prachodaya

Part 2: GREAT-full-grateful,
but perhaps some other road…

Oh Lorde, Ein Sof, Lana del Ra
Thank you for giving me the strange desire
To learn HTML and CSS when I was in high school
And for letting me pursue an art degree
Because this is what I’ve been doing
And have loved doing
Since I was a kid.

But also, curse the stormy dark clouds of the heavens
For not having me pursue my other more practical dreams
Of becoming an airplane pilot or an astronaut
Or any of my other careers that don’t involve aircrafts
Because I would have made a better architect than Ted Mosby
I can feel that in my bones.

I should have pursued a degree in Finance and have become
A boring textbook/spreadsheet guy
So instead of having worked mostly in Illustrator, it would have been Excel
Which until now I don’t quite get.

Part 3: Exchange

I promise to love my employers
Who I work with, not work for
And I vow to love their businesses
As if they were a child of my own

I may be absent for days, heck even weeks, because I’m nursing hang overs
Or had one too many tv marathons that even Alaxan FR barely helps
But let everyone on both sides have the patience
To keep themselves from complaining
Mostly me
Because I complain a lot.

When you bring me clients please let them understand
That I can’t pull magick out my butt
And I need feedback for this to work
Like, please be more specific
Because mostly I get paid by contract and not by hour
Which is good. All’s good.
And I’m kind with revisions
But, wow, let’s not take too much time.

I am no mage but I try my best
To work this Photoshop suite I didn’t pay for
Because I can barely afford Dropbox monthly
So help me carry on.

Please teach me the ways of genuine appreciation
And bring back my child-like wonder
Like in the year 2013 when everything was new to me
And I was grateful to do what I’m doing.

Also, no video calls. Chat will suffice.

Part 4: Synergy

I’ve heard that word spoken so many times, dear Ra
I still don’t understand what it means
And yes, I’ve Googled it, Lord
Again, I still don’t understand what it means
I feel like it’s just a word businessmen in the 50s created
To feel superior
Or whatever
So whatever.

Synergize all they want
But keep me out of it
If that makes sense
Unless it makes cash
Then I’m in
‘Cause that makes sense.

Part 5: Hinanakit

Please excuse my language, dear Ra but
What the fuck have I done in my past life to deserve terrible clients like y’all?

I don’t know what sort of business gypsy/banshee I’ve upset,
But whoever put a hex on me, please stop. ?????

Part 6: Impatience

Oh, Lord – I am – yes, I am
Extremely familiar with the art of stalling
Please deliver me from clients who test my patience
‘Cause I already have none.

Oh, god that is mighty, god that brings money
Please let me not wait too long
For I have pay my electricity bill every 5th of the month
And PayPal-to-bank takes 3 business days.

Yes, it’s depressing; entirely a reasonable depression
When clients dangle money in front of you but won’t press send rightaway
Because I know how much I’m worth or believe I’m worth
And I need the money to buy ramen.

Give me the strength
To resist the overwhelming temptation
To send hate mail at 4 in the morning
To those who refuse to reply.

Because, Lord,
How difficult is it to update
Because in what world does opening GMail
And sending a short “Okay, I will something-verb now” take more than an hour?

And I hope to never work again
With that Randalf bitch
And that Ethan Lazar
Who are just the worst of the worsts.

Part 7: Resurface, for Christ’s sake

Appear
Disappear
One half
One fourth
Give me my money.

Part 8: Demon Grounds

Oh, Hova, I may not have the desired “approval rating”
Because dem greedy UpWork hos decided to go full Sith
But please, please, please
Avert their eyes, away from me.

And to whomever bish decided to suspend my accounts in that goddamn site
I wish you the worst
You are the bane of my existence, you soulless life sucking monsters
Who happen to have keyboard access.

I sing day and night like in that gorgeously animated Disney film I love
Flower gleam and bloom, let your power shine
Make the clock reverse, bring back oDesk because UpWork doesn’t care about its contractors.

Part 9: Balance

May I have a good social life even with this line of work
I’m not even going to ask for “great”, just good will suffice
‘Cause for weeks I have not seen the sun
And when I wake up, I rush to check if my downloads have finished
And that’s pretty much my entire life
Struggling to outweigh the loneliness with social media
But thankfully no cat videos
For I may be alone but I ain’t no spinster, I ain’t no crone.

And lastly, let me have cash when I need it so I can change
From this slow-ass Globe internet
To a less frustrating PLDC.

Part-EY!: Wishbones

And lastly last,
I wish not for much
But a bonus package would be greatly appreciated.

And lastly lastly last
And this is very important
I hope in the future I will always have the funds to maintain hosting this usually abandoned site
Because telling someone I own a site
Instead of a poor-man’s WordPress blog
Fills my heart and head with so much trivial joy
That I cannot even explain.

Kthxbye.

Amen

Ethan Anarchy Ethan Lesley freelancersmantra The Freelancer's Midnight Prayer

 
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